Zombie DEFCON

I also disagree with Drew’s “You don’t want big guys” logic. Since Joe already detailed the various ways in which an NFL lineman would be useful to your zombie survival efforts, I would like to take a step back and further analyze the fallacies in Drew’s anti big guy stance.

The main crux of Drew’s argument centers on his assertion that big guys “can’t run as fast”. This line of thinking is misguided by a perception of relativity. Sure an NFL Lineman is not as fast as an NFL wide receiver or running back. And since the only environment we’re used to seeing these men in is that of an NFL game I can understand how many people would perceive these men as slow.  However, that is not the case with this scenario. We have been asked to choose 1 NFL player to add to our group of otherwise presumably average humans. There is a common joke (I’m sure many of you have heard) that goes “you don’t need to be able to out run the bear…just your slowest friend” and while that exact statement does not apply here the general mentality is accurate – your group of survivors is only as fast as your slowest member.  Having Chris Johnson sprinting away from zombies with his 4.24-second 40yd dash does you no good if you can’t keep up (and trust me you can’t).

So now that we’ve established this scenario a little better, the question becomes will an NFL lineman slow you down? To answer this, let’s do a little “Tale of the Tape”. Since Haloti Ngata was mentioned specifically in the original question I’ll use him as our example and take a look at the 6’4” 340lb man’s his NFL Draft Combine results from 2006 (note: since the pre-draft combine is really the only time NFL players are officially measured these are the measurements we must rely on. It is likely that after a 7 year NFL career – where his entire life revolves around physical performance – his measurements may have improved across the board).

Lets start with pure straight-line speed. To measure this the NFL uses the 40-yard dash. At the 2006 Combine Haloti Ngata ran the 40 in 5.13 seconds (an average time for an NFL Lineman). Now I consider myself to be a fairly in shape individual, and have always been relatively fast when playing sports amongst my peers. However I have never run a timed 40 yard dash in under 5 seconds. In fact my brief research seems to indicate that your average in shape individual would run a 40-yard dash in about 5-6 seconds. In other words, Ngata is not slowing down your group of survivors simply by being slow, and should still be easily capable of outrunning any zombies in pursuit of him .

Skipping over for now the  3 cone drill and 20 yard shuttle (because nobody outside of NFL scouts really knows what a good time is, much less how it might be applicable  to a zombie apocalypse) lets move on to a simple test of strength, the bench press. At the NFL Combine, the athletes are asked to bench press 225lbs as many times as possible. In 2006 Haloti Ngata did this 37 times. Shit most people I know can’t even lift that once. I tried to find bench press results for the fastest wide receiver from 2006, but most of the wide-outs didn’t participate in the bench press at the combine, likely because they didn’t want to be embarrassed by how weak they are. For further reference, when Ngata was still in college (the only official measurement I can find, again, I’m sure he has improved this by now) his 1 rep max was 495lbs. That’s like 3 people.

UPDATE: More likely than not, your zombie survival team is going to consist of at least a few women. So how will they stack up compared to our NFL lineman? I managed to track down some of the all-time records for the University of Maryland’s Field Hockey team. These girls are elite athletes playing for arguably the top field hockey program in the country. But how do they stack up against the example of Haloti Ngata? The top 3 40 yard dashes ALL-TIME for the field hockey players are 5.05sec, 5.11sec, and 5.14 seconds. All respectable times, but essentially the same speed as Ngata. If we take a look at the top 3 Vertical Jumps we get results of 27, 27, and 25.5 compared to Ngata’s 31.5. This number was pretty eye opening to me, despite his gargantuan stature, Ngata can still get up. When you consider the strength numbers that he produces (discussed earlier) I wouldn’t be surprised if Ngata could throw some of those girls higher in the air than they could jump (while comical to think about, its something I can picture being pretty useful in certain situations).

So think about those numbers for a little while and then tell me again… What NFL player would you choose to join your zombie survival team?

You don’t want big guys. It’s not like they require more bites to turn full zombie. They have more surface area for nibbling, and they can’t run as fast. You need players who have agility, who can learn to use a lobo in a relatively short period of time and outrun the zombie hordes. And you need to make sure those players aren’t ME FIRSTERS who will steal all the food from the campground and go freelancing on their own. That means Russell Wilson can play for my zombie killing team any day. You won’t catch him standing around during Armageddon! And you need Jim Harbaugh. If there were a zombie attack, I would do everything Jim Harbaugh said. He would scream at me to start digging protective trenches and I would say, “I can’t do it coach. I’m too tired and I’ve lost half my leg!” and he would grab me by the collar and scream, “DIG THAT TRENCH OR I WILL FUCKING EAT YOU MYSELF” and an hour later there would be a trench. Coach Jim pushes you to places you never thought you could go!

I disagree with this “you don’t want big guys” logic. I think we are forgetting that zombies can’t bite through football pads.  It wasn’t specified in their premise if the players have their football pads or not, but let’s assume they do have their pads with them when the outbreak occurs. Better yet, lets take our lineman to a Dick’s Sporting Goods and get him some chest protectors, elbow pads, gloves, shin guards, neck pads, and any other kind of lightweight pads (essentially zombie body armor). Thirty minutes of good looting at any sporting good store and our lineman is now a nearly indestructible zombie killing tank.

The next time I’m choosing a team to help me battle crowds of undead bloodthirsty monsters, I think I’ll take the guy who has trained for his entire adult life to fight through a line of 300 lb men trained to stop him. Not to mention how useful his strength would be when it comes to other tasks that pop up during an apocalyptic scenario. He would certainly be able to carry more weapons supplies and provisions than any other team member of normal size and strength. How many times does a situation arise where zombies are trying to follow a group of survivors and they must hold a door shut to keep the zombies at bay. If you were in that situation, what would you give to have a lineman there to help you?

Sure leadership in an emergency situation is important, but even the strongest leadership can break down when people are panicking. That kind of leadership only works when the rest of the team has been conditioned to follow the commands of the leader. Sure an NFL coach is going to be a good leader in a zombie apocalypse  but his team, who has worked with him and respects him as a leader, is more likely to benefit from his leadership than a rag-tag group of survivors. When the only thing that stands between you and a group of savage, mindless, creatures, hell-bent on ripping your intestines out with their bare hands, who do you want standing next to you? 300 lbs of brute strength? Or a short old guy barking orders at you?